San Francisco Mediation: A Child’s Role in the Mediation Process

Are you about to enter the mediation process? Whether you’re resolving a divorce or child custody case, you probably have several questions on your mind. Among them may be: “What is my child’s role in the mediation?”

The short answer: they don’t have one.

While much of your mediation revolves around the wellbeing of your child, it should typically not include them, ask for their input, or involve them in ways that might make them uncomfortable. The case is, of course, different if you have special circumstances (like if there is a history of abuse or if your case was appointed a guardian ad litem, or GAL). In these cases, court appointed officials may need to speak with your child, but you should still avoid talking about the case details liberally with your child, especially if they are very young. The process of a mediation may not make sense to children, and instead of reassuring them it can make them worry even more.

Over the course of your mediation, consider the following tips for making your child as comfortable as possible:

Put on a united front.

As is the case with any divorce, you should maintain a united front for your children during a mediation. If you are getting divorced, you may be experienced negative feelings toward your spouse, but your child shouldn’t have to hear about personal problems, past incidents, and other issues being discussed.

Be honest but age appropriate.

Honesty is important during a mediation because you don’t want to give your child false hopes or expectations—for example, don’t tell your child that they will be living with one parent if that arrangement is not yet concrete. Do, however, keep their feelings in mind—deliver harsh news with care in mind, and avoid discussing the details about the mediation.

Maintain regular activities.

During your mediation, it’s easy for your child to lose out on the time and attention they may be used to. Be sure to maintain normalcy and keep up regular activities whenever possible. For example, if you two enjoy dinner out every week, try to make time for that. If it’s just quality time at home, or attendance at their sports games, keep these activities up as well. Doing so really lets your child know that you still care about your time together, no matter what the circumstances.

Encourage fun.

This time more than others really calls for some fun and lighthearted relief now and then. Lighten up the situation by encouraging your child to spend time with friends, take on new crafts or hobbies, and enjoy themselves to keep them happy and distracted from what’s going on.

Monitor your child’s behavior.

During and following a divorce or mediation, there’s a possibility that children can lose focus and drive to do well in school, spend time with friends, and more. Keep an eye on your child for sudden changes in their behavior or demeanor… if anything seems startling to you, be sure to talk with them about it and show that you’re always there to listen, even during the mediation.

During your mediation, your child can experience stress just as much as you do—but by following these tips, hopefully they can relax and make peace with the situation.